Loves A Girl But His Family Refuses Her Because Of Her
Father’s Bad Reputation
Islamic Rulings -
Living Shariah Verdicts
Islamic Questions & Answers
I am a young man. I fell in love with my
neighbor, since we were young; we used to go to school
together, our love is clean and pure, we promised each
other to get married. I am in another country now.
Last night I promised her by putting my hand on the
Quraan, that if Allah wills I will not marry anyone
but you, she did the same. Sheikh, this girl is very
decent, she knows Islam well, she studies afternoon in
an Islamic school, and she studies Quraan, fiqh and
seerah. The problem is:
1- My family refuses this marriage, but I know that
they will be satisfied with me after marriage.
2- This girl is oppressed in her family; her parents
are divorced and she lives with her father, her step
mother, her paternal aunt and her grandfather are
oppressing her, she does all the house work, she works
in the farm and does every thing alone. I want to save
her from this environment she lives in.
3- This girl’s father becomes drunk and does evil
things, this is why my family refuses the marriage.
This girl says that her father is a sinful man and she
does not accept her father’s actions, is it fair to
punish her for her father’s evil actions? Please
sheikh advise me wisely knowing that it will be a
disaster for me to leave her. I ask Allah to make all
matters easy. May Allah reward you!.
Praise be to Allaah.
You should choose a wife who is religiously-committed
and of good character, who will look after her husband
and house, and raise her children well, and play her
part in establishing a Muslim family and a Muslim
society. This is what the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) taught when he said: “Women may
be married for four things: their wealth, their
lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment.
Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your
hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”
You should not be careless with regard to this matter,
or be swayed by emotion or so-called love. How many
marriages have ended in failure because they were not
based on the principle of choosing a wife who is
No one will be punished for the sins of another, and
he will not bear any burden but his own, as Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning):
“No one laden with burdens can bear another’s burden”
But a man cannot avoid interacting with his in-laws or
visiting them, or avoid his children being influenced
by them. Hence choosing a good and
religiously-committed family with a good reputation is
something that has a good effect on the husband and
his family and children, and it is one of the factors
of family stability and success in solving whatever
problem may arise in the future, which all families
are prone to facing.
Hence we do not blame your family for rejecting ties
with a man who is a drunkard and has a bad reputation,
because this will adversely affect them and their
Claims of love and emotion should be dealt with in a
rational, fair and broad-minded manner. A man may
imagine that he cannot do without this girl, and he
cannot live without her, and that she has certain
qualities and characteristics, but if he were to think
about it rationally, he would realize how his emotions
are over-exaggerated. Hence you must examine the
situation closely and weight up this girl’s good
points and bad points, and the pros and cons of
marrying her, then base your decision on what you
think most likely after weighing up the situation,
without deceiving yourself, for no one is going to
bear the consequences of this choice more than you.
If you do decide to go ahead and marry this girl, then
try to convince your family and get their support,
because the basic principle is that it is obligatory
to obey one's parents if they forbid marriage to a
certain girl, because honouring them is obligatory and
marriage to a certain girl is not obligatory, and no
exception is made concerning that except cases where a
person fears he may fall into zina, if he thinks it
most likely that not marrying a particular girl will
lead to him committing haraam actions with her.
The family should not object to their son’s marriage
if it is clear that he is attached to a particular
girl, so long as the girl is suitable and righteous,
because marriage is the best remedy for them, as the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: “There is nothing like marriage for two who love
one another.” Narrated by Ibn Majaah (1847) and
classed as saheeh by al-Buwaysiri and by al-Albaani in
al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (624).
If they develop the intention of being kind to the
girl and saving her from her family, that is good,
especially if you are going to move somewhere far away
from them, and the children will not be affected by
living in a corrupt atmosphere, then that will make it
more acceptable to marry her.
It is obvious that you are a stranger (non-mahram) to
this girl, and it is not permissible for you to be
alone with her, shake hands with her, look at her
beauty or talk to her about love and so on. If any of
these things have happened in the past, then you must
repent to Allaah from that, and you must repent from
studying in the mixed environment which is usually not
free from haraam things, and has bad effects on both
boys and girls.
We advise you to consult good people whom you trust
who know this girl and her family, and to pray
istikhaarah and ask Allaah for guidance before taking
any further step, because the one who prays
istikhaarah will not be disappointed and the one who
consults others will not regret it.
See also question no. 23420 and 84102.
We ask Allaah to guide you and to make you take the
right decision that will bring good consequences.
And Allaah knows best.