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Islamic Questions & Answers

My parents got me two matches for marriage where as i am nervous whether they are suitable for me or not. I am religious person offering salah five times and follow sunnah. My choice was Aalim girl but my family semi religious they dont want this girl to be our family member becoz they feel she will dominate us. What are the questions should i ask to girl when i meet her along with family members? I dont have property and i am against to dowry. Kindly help in this regards. In my past i made lot of sins where as i feel guilty and repent should i disclose with her and be true with her?
My second question is everyday i feel so scared about Allah punishment i am unable to live happily. Sometimes i feel grave and cry like anything. I am feeling stressed however i am asking forgiveness from allah. But due to this i am unable to be happy.

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly:

The Prophet's advice to anyone who wants to get married is to choose a woman who is religiously committed, who will help him with regard to his affairs in this world and in the Hereafter. The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said, encouraging marriage to one who is religiously committed: "Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper)." Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5090; Muslim, 1466.

We have previously discussed the description of the religiously committed woman whom the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) encouraged a man to marry, in the answer to question no. 96584

Secondly:

We do not think there is any conflict between what you want and what your parents want from you. Your parents have stipulated a condition that is well founded in many cases and in many environments. What we think is that you should respond to their wishes and look for a suitable wife outside the family circle, but at the same time you should look for one who is also religiously committed, outside the family circle. Thus you will be able to fulfil both interests and combine the two wishes. This will make it easier for you and will spare you from confronting the family with something they do not want, and you can convince your parents that it is right and to accept your choice. This will be easy, in sha Allah, when you give them what they asked of you.

Thirdly:

If it is possible for you to sit with the fiancée or the one to whom you want to propose marriage, in the presence of her mahram and without being alone with her, and adhering to proper hijab, then in that case there is nothing wrong with talking together to the extent that is necessary and in such a way that does not cause fitnah or provocation of desire. You can tell her what you expect of her in the future, and she could tell you what she expects of you.

But we do not think that you should go to extremes with regard to these questions, or to base your judgement on this meeting; rather what you should do is ask about the girl, not ask her. Before you enter the house you have to find out about the house and its people, and the girl and her situation. And there is nothing wrong with you seeking the help of your sisters and female relatives in this matter. Once you find the qualities you are looking for, then go ahead with the marriage.

With regard to the questions that you may ask, they will not necessarily yield the answers you are looking for.

With regard to your financial and social situation, what you have to do is tell the truth about that, because it will have an impact on many things in your married life later on and the rights that your wife has over you. It is not acceptable to enter a house and look at its womenfolk, then when they accept you, you say: I cannot afford any mahr (dowry)!

Fourthly:

It is not permissible for you to disclose your previous sins to the one whom you want to marry. So long as Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, has concealed you (your sins), then you have to cover yourself. The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: "Avoid this filth that Allah has forbidden. Whoever does any such thing, then let him conceal it with the concealment of Allah."

Narrated by al-Bayhaqi; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in as-Silsilah as-Saheehah, no. 663

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) say: "All of my ummah will be fine except those who commit sin openly, and it is part of committing sin openly for a man to do something at night, then in the morning when his Lord has concealed him he says: O So and so, I did such and such last night, when his Lord had concealed him all night, but in the morning he discloses that which Allaah had concealed for him." Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990.

Fifthly:

The believer is enjoined to fear Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, in secret and openly. This fear that is required in Islam is the fear that motivates one to do more good actions and righteous deeds, and to keep away from disobedience to Him. But if this fear leads to despair and hopelessness and failing to do good deeds, then it is a kind of devilish whisper (waswaas) by means of which the Shaytaan seeks to divert the hearts of the righteous from the straight path, then he makes them grieve because of that. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): "Secret counsels (conspiracies) are only from Shaitan (Satan), in order that he may cause grief to the believers. But he cannot harm them in the least, except as Allah permits, and in Allah let the believers put their trust" [al-Mujaadilah 58:10].

So seek the help of Allah and put your trust in Him; spite the Shaytaan by obeying Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, and humiliate him by strengthening your connection to your Lord. Seek the help of Allah and do not feel helpless.

And Allah knows best.

Marrying a woman who is not chaste

I am in state of confusion. I am engaged, i love my fiancee however before engage, she used to act like Canadian girls which i knew but smoked cigarette etc while she was in high school I did not know. When we got engaged she told me that she loved and was crazy about this guy but never had a boyfriend, she used to hung around with rougth bad and black guys just like friends and she is virgin, she escaped so many school days and the reason is that she used sat with friend in the back of school or in their house watching Indian movies and used smoke because her friend led her to this path. HOwever, she stopped everything after we got engaged. But I did not liked these things she said and i start disliking her little by little because i thought she is lying to me. The quesiton is i always thougth to myself that a girl like her being so open to guys, wearing open cloths and her parenth did not care much how come she would not have a boyfriend(in this easthern society)it is impossible. As a result, everyday i start to hate(dislike) her and we had alot of fights. As a result, i used to worked in a restaurant and there, i meet a girl and right after a week i sleep with her for one night, i don't know how it happened but it did. I repent for my bad deeds because i see my fiancee is very sincere to me after we have engaged. My question is brother, what should i do, how i could solve this issue in my life. I really need help?.

Praise be to Allaah.

If the women was as you describe before you got engaged, then it is not permissible to marry her unless she repents sincerely for the sake of Allaah, not for the purpose of getting engaged to you. If you see that she has repented and regrets what she did, and that she is serious about keeping away from non-mahram men and avoiding being alone with them, then it is permissible for you to marry her.

My advice to you is to look for a righteous and chaste women, for a righteous wife will bring you happiness in this world and will be one of the means of your salvation in the Hereafter, because she will one day be the mother of your children, and she will guard your honour and your wealth, and in that way there will be the love, compassion and tranquility that form the basis of marital happiness. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy"
[al-Room 30:21]

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Women are married for four reasons: wealth, beauty, lineage and religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper)." Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3/242; Muslim, 2/1086.

According to another hadeeth: "This world is temporary pleasures and the best of the temporary pleasures of this world is a righteous wife." Narrated by Muslim, 2668.

With regard to what you mention about what happened with that other girl, praise be to Allaah for having enabled you to repent. This is the bounty of Allaah towards you. You have to strive to control yourself and avoid the things which lead to such serious consequences.

We wish to point out that repentance must be for the sake of Allaah, not for the sake of your fiancée and so that she will be sincere towards you. So we advise you to renew your repentance and to pray for forgiveness and to make a promise to Allaah not to do such a thing again.

I also offer the following advice, and hope that Allaah will benefit you thereby:

1 – Lower your gaze and do not look at that which Allaah has forbidden.

2 – Keep yourself busy with reading Qur'aan and hadeeth, stories of the righteous, the scholars and ascetics.

3 – Beware of being alone with women who are not mahrams.

4 – Keep company with righteous people who will help you with religious and worldly matters.

5 – Beware of listening to music and songs, for they are a means that lead to zina.

6 – Strive to offer prayers regularly with the Muslims, and strive to observe all the essential parts of prayer with proper focus and humility, and having wudoo', for it keeps one away from evil actions, and those who observe regular prayer are the ones who will succeed. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

"Successful indeed are the believers.
Those who offer their Salaah (prayers) with all solemnity and full submissiveness"
[al-Mu'minoon 23:1]

May Allaah help us and you to do all that is good, and may He make things easy for you.

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