Husband Forces Her To Tell Him Everything That She Hears
From Her Family And Other People!
Islamic Rulings -
Living Shariah Verdicts
Islamic Questions & Answers
My husband forces me to tell him the whole
dialogue I had with my mother or brothers or anyone
else. He justifies this by saying that my mother may
say something that can spoil our relationship. It
causes problems between us if I refuse to tell him.
Shall I respond to his request?.
Praise be to Allaah.
What this husband should do – if what his wife is
saying about him is true – is fear his Lord with
regard to this demand that he is making of his wife,
and he should realize that he is sinning by doing
this, and that it is not permissible for his wife to
obey him in this matter.
We advise this husband to focus on himself rather than
other people, and to look at his own faults and
correct them, and to look at his own shortcomings and
strive to perfect his own self that is inclined
towards evil. That is better for him and is more
appropriate than focusing on other people and what
they say and do. Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy
on him) said: The greatest loser is the one who is
distracted from Allaah by himself, and even worse off
is the one who is distracted from himself by other
people. Al-Fawaa'id (p. 58).
He should not think badly of people and believe that
he is perfect, because not everything that people say
concerns him or has to do with him, rather it is his
desire to hear people's stories and find out about
their situations, and to rejoice at their
It is to be hoped that this husband does not approve
of his wife telling him what her family and other
people say to her, even if they are talking about him,
because by doing that she would be a gossipmonger and
one of the salaf said: A gossipmonger and a liar could
cause more damage in an hour than a practitioner of
witchcraft could do in a year. So how about if he is
the one who tells her to do that, and even orders her
to do so, and threatens to punish her if she does not
al-Nawawi said, quoting from Abu Haamid al-Ghazaali
(may Allaah have mercy on them both):
The one to whom gossip comes, saying So and so said
this about you, or did that to you, should do six
1- He should not believe it, because the one who
gossips is an evildoer.
2- He should tell him not to do that, and advise him,
and condemn his action.
3- He should hate him for the sake of Allaah, for he
is hateful before Allaah, may He be exalted, and he
should hate the one whom Allaah hates.
4- He should not think ill of his absent brother.
5- He should not let what he is told lead him to spy
on others or try to find out about it.
6- He should not approve for himself what he told the
gossipmonger not to do, so he should not transmit the
gossip and say "So and so said such and such", in
which case he would also be a gossipmonger and would
be doing that which he told someone else not to do.
What this husband wants from his wife is nameemah
(gossip) which is a major sin. Undoubtedly passing on
such gossip will lead to evil consequences, severing
of ties, resentment and enmity, and undoubtedly the
wife's family would hate for their words to be passed
on. He should understand that gossip is not merely
passing on what people say for the purpose of causing
trouble, rather it may be for the purpose of
Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy
on him) said:
What should be avoided and shunned totally is gossip
which means transmitting words from one person to
another, or from one group to another, or from one
tribe to another, with the aim of causing trouble and
creating problems between them. It means disclosing
that which should not be disclosed, whether it is
disliked by the one from whom it is transmitted or the
one to whom it is transmitted or a third party, and
whether it is disclosed verbally, in writing, in
symbols or by gestures, and whether what is
transmitted is words or actions, and whether it refers
to a fault or shortcoming in the person from whom it
is transmitted or not. A person should keep quiet
about whatever he sees of people's situations, unless
speaking of it will bring some benefit to a Muslim or
ward off some harm.
The motive in spreading gossip is either ill will
towards the person of whom one speaks or to show love
to the person to whom one speaks, or to indulge in
unnecessary talk and falsehood. All of that is haraam.
There is a great deal of evidence in the Qur'aan and
Sunnah to show that gossip is haraam, such as the
verses in which Allaah says (interpretation of the
"And (O Muhammad Peace Be Upon Him obey you not
everyone Hallaaf Maheen (the one who swears much and
is a liar or is worthless).
11. A slanderer, going about with calumnies"
"Woe to every slanderer and backbiter"
It was narrated that Hudhayfah (may Allaah be pleased
with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "No
gossipmonger will enter Paradise" (Agreed upon). And
it was narrated from Ibn Mas'ood (may Allaah be
pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Shall I not
tell you what is falsehood? It is nameemah (gossip),
transmitting what people say." Narrated by Muslim.
Gossip is one of the things that incur the punishment
in the grave, because of the report narrated by Ibn
‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him), according to
which the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) passed by two graves and said:
"They are being punished, but they are not being
punished for anything that was difficult to avoid."
Then he said, "No. One of them used not to protect
himself from his urine, and the other used to walk
around spreading malicious gossip."
Rather backbiting and gossip are forbidden because
they involve attempts to cause trouble among people
and create splits and chaos, and fan the flames of
enmity, rancour, destructive envy and hypocrisy, and
to take away love and friendship, by causing rifts and
disputes and resentment among brethren. It also
involves lying, deceit, betrayal and trickery, and
making accusations against those who are innocent, and
giving in to slander and reviling and mentioning bad
deeds and qualities, and because they are a sign of
cowardice, meanness and weakness; moreover those who
indulge in them commit sins which incur the wrath of
Allaah and a painful punishment.
Fataawa al-Shaykh Ibn Baaz (3/237-239).
It was said that al-‘adhu (translated above a
falsehood) means witchcraft in the language of Quraysh,
and it was said that it means lies and fabrications.
Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve
him) was asked:
My husband tells his family what I say, then he tells
me what they say, and that leads to many problems. I
have often asked him not to do that but he does not
pay any heed. What should I do?
This is called nameemah (malicious gossip), which
means transmitting what people say by way of stirring
up trouble. As for the warning, Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning): " A slanderer, going
about with calumnies"
[al-Qalam 68:10,11]. This is a description of some of
the people of Hell. And Allaah says (interpretation of
the meaning): "Woe to every slanderer and
backbiter"[al-Humazah 104:1]. This refers to the
gossipmonger. The Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: "No gossipmonger will enter
Paradise." And according to a report: A gossipmonger
could cause more damage in an hour than a practitioner
of witchcraft could do in a year. And the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) stated
that "The gossipmonger will be punished in his grave."
Undoubtedly the prohibition is more emphatic if the
gossip is among a man and his wife and relatives. He
has to fear Allaah and remember that He is always
watching him, and he should keep away from things that
will incur punishment in this world or the next. He
has to avoid lying, backbiting, gossip, slander and
stirring up trouble among people. He should be honest,
protect people's honour, fear Allaah and remember that
He is always watching, and that He is stern in
punishment. End quote.
Al-Hulool al-Shar'iyyah li'l-Khilaafaat
wa'l-Mushkilaat al-Zawjiyyah wa'l-Usariyyah byShaykh
‘Abd-Allaah ibn Jibreem (fatwa no. 42).
So the husband must stop asking his wife to do this,
and if he persists then it is not permissible for his
wife to respond to his request. By agreeing to
transmit what people say, one is persisting in sin and
listening to it, but by refusing one is refraining
from it and putting a stop to it.
If the wife is afraid that it will lead to troubles
between her and her husband, there is no sin on her,
if her husband insists that she should tell him what
her family says, if she tells him that they praised
him and said good things about him, and other such
words that will spread love and friendly feelings, and
will extinguish the flames of fitnah and disputes
between her husband and her family.
We ask Allaah to guide your husband and bring you
together in a good manner.
And Allaah knows best.