Should She Tell Her Fiancé That She Lost Her Virginity Or Should She Cancel The Engagement?|
Islamic Rulings - Living Shariah Verdicts
Islamic Questions & Answers
My friend was in love with a boy when she was
thirteen years old, and he was ten years older than
her. She used to do everything for him, to the extent
that she forgot remembrance of Allah, despite the fact
that she is from a religious family. He was everything
to her, and she did not pray except to ask Allah that
he marry her. She didn't do anything unless it was for
his sake; she even committed zina with him. But she
was young and did not know what she was doing. She
went to a female doctor she knows, who found that
there was a small hole in her hymen. My friend began
to feel remorse and to ask Allah for forgiveness and
to pray, and that young man left her for another girl.
After a while, after she reached university age, a
pious young man proposed marriage to her, and he did
not know what she had done. She went to another doctor
who shocked her when she told her that it is essential
to repair the hole in her hymen. After she agreed to
accept his proposal, she does not know what she should
do. Should she cancel her engagement to this fiancé
whom she loves, or should she have the repair done, or
what should she do? Please advise me, may Allah reward
Praise be to Allaah.
This calamity is not the first and it will not be the
last. The strongest temptation is the temptation of
men by women and of women by men.
Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on
The mixing of one gender with the other is the cause
of fitnah. When men mix with women, it is like mixing
fire and wood. End quote.
This is the fire that was lit between them, then he
left her after committing immoral actions with her,
and went to someone else.
It is also something that happens repeatedly: he
deceives her, then he commits immoral actions with
her, then he leaves her and, for marriage and starting
a family, he looks for a woman whom he can trust. But,
unfortunately, no one learns this lesson and
understands the true nature of the deceit until it is
too late, or before regret sets in when regret is to
We ask Allah to accept her repentance and that of
every sinner, and we pray that she will learn from
this experience the hard and bitter lesson of how
Allah wants guidance and righteousness for His slaves,
whereas the Shaytaan and his cohorts want to misguide
them and lead them astray.
Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the
"Allaah wishes to make clear (what is lawful and what
is unlawful) to you, and to show you the ways of those
before you, and accept your repentance, and Allaah is
27. Allaah wishes to accept your repentance, but those
who follow their lusts, wish that you (believers)
should deviate tremendously away (from the Right
28. Allaah wishes to lighten (the burden) for you; and
man was created weak (cannot be patient to leave
sexual intercourse with woman)"
But what has happened has happened. Now the most
important thing that your friend has to do is to
repent, and the greatest right that she has over you
is that you should help her to repent sincerely and to
regret what has passed, and to understand the effects
of the Shaytaan's trick on her, in the hope that Allah
will accept her repentance and conceal her with His
With regard to her engagement, she should go ahead
with it, so long as she thinks that the young man is
good and righteous. She should not repair the hymen
that was broken because of this immoral action,
because this is deceit and cheating; but at the same
time she should not expose herself to scandal. Rather
she should go ahead with that as Allah wills; perhaps
Allah will conceal her.
If her husband does not find out about that after
marriage and Allah conceals her, then she should
continue as she is.
If he finds out that the hymen had been broken, she
can hint that it was broken as a result of an accident
or some such; hymens are often broken as a result of
See also the answers to questions no. 844, 96214 and
If that is not possible, and the husband finds out
that the hymen has been broken, he may annul the
marriage, if he wants to, and take back what he had
given her of the mahr and costs of the marriage.
Perhaps if she tells him about what happened, he will
conceal her. But the annulment of her marriage, even
after a short time, may be better and more concealing
for her, because after that she will be a divorced
woman and when she gets married again, it will on the
basis that she was previously married.
And Allah is the source of strength and the Guide to
the straight path.
He promised to
marry her, then he became religious and mended his
ways, and realised that she is not suitable for him
There is a man who was not
committed to religion and he used to look at his
female neighbour, out of negligence on his part,
thinking that there was nothing wrong with it, due to
the state of the society in which he lives. This
continued for a while, without him speaking directly
to her, but he was attracted to her and she to him.
When Allaah guided him, he realised that what he had
been doing was sinful and wrong, so he decided to end
this relationship. He informed the girl about this
without speaking to her directly, and promised to
marry her after she finished her studies. With the
passage of time, this person became more religious and
realised that this girl would not be suitable as a
wife for him according to the standards of sharee'ah,
because she was brought up by a bad mother, so he
decided not to marry her. But now he is confused as to
what to do. Does he have the right not to marry her
and break his promise to her? Is there any sin on him
in that case? Otherwise what is the solution?
Please note that there is a young man who was keen to
propose to this girl, but when he found out that the
person who is asking this question wanted to marry
her, he gave up the idea.
Praise be to Allaah.
This young man should praise Allaah for having helped
him and guided him, and diverted him from the ways of
haraam and evil. He is not obliged to marry this girl
even if he promised her that. It is permissible for a
man to cancel a proposal if he finds justification for
doing so, such as if he realises that the girl is not
suitable for him, so how about if the proposal has not
been made? He has to look for a girl who is
religiously committed, of good attitude and good
upbringing, and he should end his relationship with
this girl and any woman who is a stranger or non-mahram
We ask Allaah to guide him and make him steadfast.
And Allaah knows best.
relationships are not permissible
I am in a relationship with
a guy who can not make up his mind to get married. I
have not yet became a muslim and I will soon We have
talked about this being wrong for us to be together
and if he was back in XXX, that he would not be able.
I feel like wrong is wrong, and even if I hav not yet
converted, that should not be the problem. His family
wants him to come home, but when does a man have the
right to make a choice? Maybe, because I am from the
US I don't understand the whole thing about family.
When you have a wife or someone to be your wife, is
she not your family too?
Please help me to do what is right.
Praise be to Allaah.
It is true what you have said, that wrong is wrong. In
Islam, pre-marriage relationships are not permissible.
We believe that adultery is not permissible not only
in Islam, but also in all religions of Allah (God). I
believe that the gentleman of nationality XXX whom you
are seeing is not serious in getting married, because
if he were, he would have married you from the very
beginning. In Islam, a man must respect the will of
his parents, and in some cases he must obey them. You,
in your present status, are not a member of his
family. When you become his wife, then you are
considered to be his family. Yet even then, if a
father orders his son to divorce his wife because, for
example, she has bad reputation or she is not a good
Muslim, he must obey his father. My advice to you is
to think seriously in embracing Islam, not for the
sake of this man, but for the salvation of your soul
and body from Hellfire. I believe by now, you have a
good idea what Islam is, putting aside the bad example
this gentleman has been setting. Therefor, you should
stop seeing this man and you should become Muslim. If
his love to you is genuine, he will propose to you. If
he doesn't, then be sure that Allah will not leave you
alone, and as He guided you to his religion, He will
send you a good Muslim who will cherish you and give
you a decent life as a wife not as a mistress. I pray
to Allah that He may enlighten your heart with Islam
and guide you to make the right choice.
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid