Wife Is Not Very Interested In Intercourse So He Resorts
Islamic Rulings -
Living Shariah Verdicts
Islamic Questions & Answers
I am a man of a strong desire. I like to have
intercourse everyday. When I try to start it with my
wife, she refuses for weak reasons like saying she is
tired or lazy to make ghusl or because she wants to
delay it to next day. So I have intercourse with her
only twice a week. I cannot be patient. So I have to
masturbate by my hand fearing to fall into adultery.
Although I know it is haram, I masturbate about three
times a week while my wife is beside me and she knows
what I am doing. My wife cares a lot about beautifying
herself and using perfumes, but she becomes annoyed if
I ask her for sex. Am I sinful to masturbate by my
hand? If yes, then does my wife share in this sin?.
Praise be to Allaah.
The husband has to treat his wife kindly, because
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"and live with them honourably" [al-Nisa' 4:19]
Part of living with one's spouse honourably is having
intercourse, which is obligatory upon the husband, as
much as is sufficient to satisfy her, so long as it
does not harm him physically or distract him from
earning a living.
The wife is obliged to obey her husband if he calls
her to his bed, and if she refuses then she is
sinning, because of the report narrated by al-Bukhaari
(32370 and Muslim (1436) from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah
be pleased with him), that the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "If a man calls
his wife to his bed and she does not come to him, and
he goes to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse
her until morning."
Shaykh al-Islam [Ibn Taymiyah] (may Allaah have mercy
on him) said: She has to obey him if he calls her to
his bed, and this is a duty that is obligatory upon
her. … If she refuses to respond to his call, then she
is being disobedient and wilfully defiant. … as Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning):
"As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct,
admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their
beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful);
but if they return to obedience, seek not against them
means (of annoyance" [al-Nisa' 4:34]
End quote from al-Fataawa al-Kubra (3/145, 146).
But it is not permissible for the husband to force his
wife to do that for which she is not able with regard
to intercourse. If she has an excuse because she is
sick or she cannot bear it, then she is not sinning if
she refuses to have intercourse.
Ibn Hazm (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Both
slave women and free women are enjoined not to refuse
the master or husband if he calls them for
intercourse, so long as the woman who is called is not
menstruating or sick and likely to be harmed by
intercourse, or observing an obligatory fast. If she
refuses with no excuse then she is cursed. End quote
from al-Muhalla (10/40).
Al-Bahooti (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
The husband has the right to enjoy his wife at any
time, so long as that does not keep her from
performing obligatory duties or harm her; he does not
have the right to enjoy her in that case, because that
is not part of living with them honourably. But if it
does not distract her from that or cause her harm,
then he has the right to enjoyment. End quote from
Kashshaaf al-Qinaa' (5/189).
The wife whose husband is harming her by having
intercourse too often may come to some agreement with
her husband concerning a specific number that she can
put up with, and if he does more to such an extent
that it is harmful to her, then she has the right to
refer the matter to the qaadi (judge), who may
determine a specific number and oblige both husband
and wife to adhere to that.
Masturbation is haraam, because of evidence that we
have quoted in the answer to question no. 329.
There is no sin if the husband is masturbated by his
wife's hand, because it is permissible for him to
enjoy her; the same applies if he ejaculates outside
the vagina, because of the general meaning of the
verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the
"And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private
parts, from illegal sexual acts)
6. Except from their wives or (the slaves) that their
right hands possess, __ for then, they are free from
This has been discussed in the answer to question no.
If the wife will be harmed by intercourse, she will
not be harmed if her husband enjoys her in other ways,
so she has to allow him to do that.
Both spouses have to tackle this problem in a kind,
loving and frank manner; and each of them should
understand the rights and duties that they have,
because most marital problems stem from ignorance of
Some husbands are keen to satisfy their own desires,
and they hasten to do that without caring about their
wives or paying attention to their right to pleasure,
so the wife finds no enjoyment in it and is put off by
it, and it becomes a problem and a burden for her.
Hence we say: Strive to create love and affection
between you and your wife; pay attention to her
situation and understand her feelings; avoid that
which will harm her or hurt her. Tell her of the
shar'i ruling concerning this issue and help her to
follow it, and do not put her off, and be moderate in
your approach, and you will get what you want.
May Allaah help us and you to obey Him and seek His
And Allaah knows best.
She Does Not Enjoy Intercourse But
She Is Hiding That From Her Husband
I do not enjoy intercourse with my husband. I
researched on the internet and I found out that I need
stimulation for a long time, 30 to 45 minutes. But my
husband does not know that and he thinks that I am
reaching climax. I have two questions: I let him think
that I have reached climax so that I will not bother
him and spoil his enjoyment. Is this regarded as
lying? If he asks me whether I enjoyed it, I tell him
yes, meaning that I only enjoyed seeing him. The more
important question is that he stimulates me during
intercourse but I do not reach a climax, then
immediately after that I resort to masturbation until
I reach a climax. Is this haraam? I know that
masturbation is haraam but I know that my husband will
never help me because it needs too much time, and he
wants to fulfil his desire. What should I do?.
Praise be to Allaah.
There is nothing wrong with what you have mentioned
about pretending to have reached climax, rather it is
indicative of the intelligence and wisdom with which
Allaah has blessed you and of your good treatment of
your husband. We ask Allaah to reward you for that and
to make it a cause of happiness for you and your
It is not lying if you tell him that you enjoyed it,
meaning that you only enjoyed seeing him.
Masturbation is haraam, including the way that you
have mentioned. What you have to do is to stop doing
that, and repent from what has happened in the past.
You should understand that this is may reduce your
pleasure with your husband, and make the problem that
you are suffering worse.
This problem is usually due to two main reasons:
1 – The husband's not understanding the problem or not
having any interest in solving it after he finds out
about it. From your question it seems that your
husband is keen to make you enjoy it, and he
understands that a woman may be deprived of that.
Hence the way to deal with it is to be frank about it,
in a way that will not hurt his feelings or spoil his
enjoyment. Perhaps as time goes by you will find an
opportunity to tell him, in an appropriate manner, so
that you will not be forced to resort to something
haraam and you will be able to enjoy that which Allaah
has permitted for you.
2 – It may be due to the nature of the husband or
wife, in terms of strength or weakness of desire. This
can be dealt with by natural means, medication or
psychological preparation and doing that which will
increase love, and the most important is the wish of
each spouse to fulfil the desire of the other.
See also question no. 23390.
And Allaah knows best.