"Are those who
know equal to those who know not? It is only men of
understanding who will remember." (Quran 39:9)
These were the
first words from the Qur'an that touched me. And when
I read that I could not stop thinking about it. I
wondered what should I really know to be able to
understand? What really is knowledge?
What is it in
reading books and studying theories, philosophies and
thoughts if at the end we still do not find any
meaning for our existence? Western answers for this
dilemma just made me frustrated, uncomfortable,
hopeless and, at the end, depressed.
At that time I
could not believe in God nor pray anymore. How I
reached this stage, I am not really sure. One dayI
was a believer in God (I was Christian – a Protestant)
and the next day even to think about the existence of
a God, Creator, seemed like nonsense to me.
I used to read
part of the Old or the New Testament everyday and also
study it. I found nice words there but they were
practically discarded, for no one that I know lived by
them.
Observing the
way people live, the way things happen, the way deals
and arrangements are done around the world to make
some superior to others, I, in my mind, concluded that
this is a very unjust and unfair world. The Bible's
words, so nice, were not more than some man's
invention.
Religion was
nothing more than a way to keep the poor and the
oppressed people calm, satisfied and submissive, like
cattle. It was the opium of life.
I thought, "If
there is a God, he is cynical and unfair. I do not
make deals with unfair people; and in contrast, I will
not make deals with an unfair god."
I wished I had
never learnt how to read and wished just to be like
other people around me. Going to work, coming back
home, watching TV (and accepting all what is said
there), reading Sidney Sheldon, buying clothes, etc. I
thought that I could live happilyin this way. But I
was in a path without return. After all I had seen, I
could not find any reason to be alive anymore.
I stopped
looking at the different possibilities as to how the
creation came about and made my mind up that the
entire world was all brought about ‘by chance'. While
I was in this state, I was still very upset with all
the injustices that were taking place in the world; I
decided that I should defend a minority. It so
happened that I chose the Muslims and began learning
about Islam. I had never heard about Islam before, but
I was curious to know who those ‘Terrorists' were, as
they were often called by the West.. I knew if the TV
was showing them as evil, it was necessary to
investigate because something was hidden.
I knew that the
only way I could learn about Islam was to be in touch
with Muslims. In Brazil, my country, we do not have
too many communities. Then I went to the Internet and
met many in chat rooms.
One young Saudi
Muslim told me about Nizar Qabbani and I researched
about him and found a poem called "I am with
Terrorism". The poet quotes many events and places
totally unknown to me and I realized how ignorant I
was. I had never heard about any of those facts.
One day, I was
chatting with a chat friend and he showed me a site
where I could read the Qur'an. I opened it and random
a surah (chapter) to read.
The title was in
Arabic and I asked him the meaning in English and he
told me it was the "Day of Judgment". I remember him
asking me why I had chosen that chapter of the Quran?
.
I remember I
said to him if there is a God and if He is Omniscient,
Omnipresent, Omnipotent, He knows that words of
punishment cannot affect me at all. Instead I am
looking for words of hope, reasonable and effective
words of hope.
At that time I
remember that every night I had the same wish: I wish
I could not wake up tomorrow. But the next day my eyes
were opened again. It was reaching an unbearable
level.
I left Brazil
and came to Germany.
One day I was
really desperate. I made ablution the way I read
Muslims performed it, I prostrated the way I knew
Muslims did and said "God, if You are real, release me
from this situation. Show me the way."
Al-hamdu
llilah (All praise is due to Allah). He did. I
felt such great peace in my heart.
In my German
class there were some Muslim sisters and I asked them
for some books on Islam, and they gave me a few. It
was at this time that I got my first Qur'an. May Allah
bless them all.
I read the
Qur'an. And there I found:
"And I created
not the jinn and the mankind except that they should
worship Me (Alone)." (Quran 51:56)
"And We have
made some of you as a trial for others; will you have
patience?" (Quran 25:20)
And all the
answers I was looking for were there.
My life didn't
change. It was still hard most of the time. What
changed was my attitude facing life.. The difference
is that now I know that He is my Lord and my Wali
(Guardian), and I am grateful for all that He has
blessed me with.
Hagar is a
42-year-old Muslim convert. She holds a degree in
linguistics and literature and is a specialist in
Portuguese language and literature.
Add Comments