Like most
reverts to Islam my story is simple from the
perspective of an outsider. Young man finds a
religion that's different to his family's and
eventually tells them and reverts.
However, like
many things in life, it is the travelling of the
journey and not the getting to the destination that
seems most hard. Of course with Islam the journey
will never be complete until it is ordained by Allah,
the Exalted, but, instead we reach milestones along
the way. So I shall tell the story of my life until
now and my hopes and aspirations for the future.
I was born in
the UK to a family of two loving parents and one
brother (Colin), shortly to be followed by my twin
sister (Linda) and later by my other two sisters
Melissa (who died when I was very little) and my
youngest sister Emily.
I was never
baptized, as my father did not believe in putting a
baby who could not object, through such a religious
ceremony. However, my mother would send us to a
Christian Sunday school to learn about Christianity.
Well, what can I
say about that? Unfortunately for my mother my mind
was relatively astute at a young age and as a result I
could never understand why a loving and all powerful
God could kill His son to forgive us our sins.
This was surely
not right when if He was so all powerful and all sins
were against Him He could just have forgiven us all!
Surely this is not what a loving God would do.
As the years
drew on I disregarded what I was taught about God.
Religious holidays became all about presents and time
off to relax. I was lost but I didn't know it. After
all, these religious people would never be able to
prove their religions like the sciences we were taught
at school. To me they were just weak-minded or stupid.
As time went on
I would continue to be successful at school and get
good grades pleasing my parents, and everything was
fine. It wasn't until sometime after my 13th birthday
that I would start to become religious.
When I say
religious I don't mean in the sense of being a
practicing Christian. This, I could never be. But I
did begin to hope to some form of God that I would be
successful and attain all the things I needed. It was
more a trust in something for the things I was unable
to engineer for myself.
As I progressed
through school I learnt about various religions,
Buddhism sounded like a good one, for there was no God
and it was all about being a good person, and after
all that is basically what I had learnt from
Christianity.
I began to think
that religions were all about one thing and that was
about making people become more moral. I continued to
try and be a good person but couldn't quite shake the
thought that something was missing.
A year or so
before I left Senior School my brother became a
born-again Christian. Unfortunately for me this was a
somewhat negative experience as he would keep trying
to convert me to his religion, and I still could not
accept that Jesus, may the mercy and blessings of God
be upon him, was killed to forgive us our sins.
So I withdrew
any signs of religious thinking away from my family
and friends to avoid further arguments with them and
also to avoid being branded a weirdo, (which was just
one of the cruel jibes I now heavily regret having
landed upon my brother.)
My soul
searching would continue to be repressed and hidden
even from me for the next year or so. And then came
the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre in
America. At first when I was told about it I didn't
believe it could happen, but it had.
The news
continued to report stories about it, but as it hadn't
affected me particularly I merely continued with my
life. It wasn't until reports of Islamic terrorists,
reprisals against Muslims and the attack on
Afghanistan and later on Iraq that I began to question
my government and the US. This ultimately pushed me
towards discovering the truth of Islam.
I simply
couldn't believe that Muslims could be terrorists
capable only of hatred and murder. This was just
strange. So I ignored this, but maybe this was when
my mind became truly willing to learn about religion
for the first time.
It wasn't until
I reached my first year of sixth-form College until I
was to make friends with a Muslim. At first I would
never believe she would be a friend as she said little
until I got to know her. In this friend lay the clear
and defined evidence that Muslims were not just
crackpots and loonies and were in fact normal people.
Eventually, I
began to explore Islam on the internet when nobody was
around; as I was not prepared to let people know I
would consider any religion, let alone Islam of all
religions. I began to believe what I read but was
still a little confused and my journey to
understanding was slow.
Eventually, the
summer vacations came and I was on the edge of belief
in Islam. I wanted to believe it was true but how
could I prove it. From my years of good grades and
trying to be perfect in my parents' eyes, I hated
being wrong.
As it was the
summer I could not easily meet my Muslim friend but
had so much I wanted to ask her. Occasionally she
would call and I would talk to her for hours trying to
build up the courage to tell her I needed her help.
Eventually I
managed the courage to explain I was confused about
religion but could never admit I wanted to be a
Muslim, as I didn't know for certain that this was no
whim as I had so much fear in my mind. Well,
eventually I managed to tell her and she had only good
things to say.
So, I was now
certain that I had to become a Muslim but how would I
tell people and find out more? I knew I couldn't tell
my family yet, as I remembered the cruelty I and my
sisters had inflicted on my brother upon his becoming
a Christian. I was afraid I would receive the same or
worse.
After all he at
least followed the religion of my country and that we
had been raised in, this would be totally different.
Wouldn't it? My journey from this point on was the
hardest part. How can you find out more if you
couldn't tell anyone for fear your family would find
out? Well I'm glad to say eventually over a long
period of time I slowly managed to confide in friends
and family.
I decided to say
Shahadah on my 20th birthday, knowing if I didn't set
a date I would never do it. So the weekend before I
went to the Global Peace and Unity Conference in
London, which was really amazing. I went knowing that
the following Monday I would pronounce the Testimony
of Faith, but it wasn't until the Saturday night spent
at a friends place that I knew for certain I was going
to say the Shahadah on Monday.
For that night I
lay trying to sleep and all I could here was the Adhan
ringing through my head. It was the best thing ever.
The next day I saw people making their own Shahadah
and longed for Monday to come. When the Monday
finally did come and I finally did say the Shahadah it
felt odd. Almost like I was me at last!
I know the best
stories all have a beginning middle and an end but
you'll have to wait a little longer for the end, but
this journey still hasn't finished. I still have the
Quran and hadiths to learn and so much more besides
that as well.
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