My name is
Viviana Espin. I am 21 years old from Ecuador.
Life always has
good and bad moments. Sometimes when I think about
the past I feel a deep hole of pain. I'd like that
things would have been different, maybe to have a
normal family, maybe caring parents. I don't know,
but I am sure everything has a reason.
My childhood was
so hard, my father was a violent man, my mother was
very submissive, we had financial problems, and many
other things that were influencing my brother and my
own mental health. In my childhood, my mom used to
teach me at home some vowels, some words in English,
and other things, I became so good at learning that at
the age of 4, my mom decided to send me to school.
My parents sent
me to study in a Catholic school. My mom liked it
because she liked me to get good faith in God and also
a good education. My father liked it too because this
was one of the best schools in the city we lived in,
and he always had been arrogant and vain so he liked
to be proud with his friends telling them were I was
studying.
Since the
beginning, I was younger than my classmates, so they
used to abuse me. They used to put bubble gum in my
hair and steal my things, throw my food in the garbage
and many other things.
As I was the
youngest, the principal of the school decided to take
care of me. So in the break time I didn't spend it in
the yard with the other kids. I used to spend this
time in the office of the principal or the secretary
of the school. By the way, since it was a Catholic
school, almost all the teachers, principal, and
directors were nuns.
I started to get
very close to them and they also started to appreciate
me so much, that they started to let me stay with them
in their homes, which already was in the land of the
school. They had their house beside the school
building inside the same perimeter of land.
I already was
different than the rest of my neighbors and kids of my
age.
My parents were
divorced when I was almost 8 years old, this by far
was one of the most traumatic events of my life. When
I spend so much time alone in a closed place, my mind
starts to fly and I start to think about things that
sometimes I don't find answers to.
My mom became
more religious, but she started to control me so
much. Sometimes it was good, and sometimes it
wasn't. I grew up always with fear, insecurity and
doubts.
I started to
appreciate the calm places with less noise around, but
in a way to be in touch with nature. Those were the
only moments I liked to be alone.
The only place
in which I used to find that, was with the nuns. The
school had a big green yard, so I used to lay on it
and enjoy looking at the sky and feeling the wind
covering me. This felt so peaceful.
The nuns
appreciated me so much and I enjoyed the time with
them. I also felt that the only way I could have an
escape from the problems of my home, was through
seeking refuge in God.
At the age of
12, I told my mom that I liked to stay in the convent
with the nuns of my school and be one of them.
My mom got upset
and said that she was happy that I wish to be close to
God but at the same time she said that her wish is
that I give her grandchildren someday, so she didn't
let me join the nuns. It was already my last year
with the nuns.
After the
negative answer from my mom, I decided to get closer
to God, study and understand better what the Bible
says. After I started to read it consciously, I
realized that it has many things that didn't make
sense, many contradictions, and in some parts there
were things that seemed to me as if the idea was not
complete. So I got the need to know where was the
rest, and the answers to my inquires that, in my view,
were not clear, nor logical.
I started to
read books about religions, and the Internet also was
so helpful to search.
I found
information about Judaism, Buddhism, Agnosticism,
Hinduism and Christianity itself, and different sects
and so on. None of them satisfied my logic. I
already was not interested in searching about Islam
because of all the bad things I heard about it. But
at the end, I decided to check out Islam to see what
it is all about as my final option to try to find a
logical answer.
The Trinity was
never clear to me. So when I started to investigate
into Islam I saw the answers to many of my questions.
Islam made sense to me, it answered my question about
the number of Gods, it clearly stated in the Quran
that there was only One. This answered my questions
about Jesus. I understood that the Bible had been
changed and no longer was in its pristine form and I
felt that finally I had found the truth.
I read briefly
about Prophet Muhammad, may God praise him, and I
found him very close to Moses. Why shouldn't I
believe in a last messenger from God when he had the
same message that all the other prophets came with?
All this made me feel that finally I had found the
real religion.
I was perhaps 17
or 18, I don't remember, when I told my mom that I had
the wish to change my religion and become Muslim. I
told her that I liked to go to the Islamic Center at
my city and learn more. My mom got upset and she said
that only Christian people can live in her home, and
if I was seriously thinking about changing my
religion, I should leave the house. So I told her
that I was only kidding to make her forget the issue.
She contacted my
aunt, and my aunt brought me a book against Islam. I
read the book and it scared me and left in my mind
fears and doubts. So I stopped the idea of becoming
Muslim but also I didn't like to go back to
Christianity because I already didn't feel comfortable
with it before.
My mom changed
her religion from Catholic to Evangelic, after a
miracle with one of her brothers. He had cancer and
doctors said that he was not going to live more than a
week maybe one month. Two years passed since then and
my uncle is still with us.
The day when my
mom decided to convert I already tried to talk to her
about Islam again, and I asked her to come with me to
the Islamic Center to ask about the doubts and fears
from the book. My mom was so open that day and she
accepted. But that was in the morning. At night, she
went back home as Evangelic and with a very strong
conviction about it, so for me it was impossible to
talk to her about Islam again.A few months after this
I met a Muslim who I got married to shortly
afterwards, after this I moved to Egypt to be with
him.
The two biggest
dreams of my life were to come to Egypt and to marry a
good man who loves me, cares for me, and be romantic,
the charming kind of prince that I am sure all girls
dream about when they are children. But I always
thought that I was never going to see these dreams
come true. Because on one hand, of my financial
situation would make it impossible to travel to Egypt
and on the other hand, I didn't think that the man I
wished for could be anywhere in the real world except
my dream.
God gave me all
what I wished. But honestly, I was never grateful for
all that He gave me.
After coming to
Egypt, I still was not sure that I wanted to convert.
My new husband introduced me to a wonderful lady with
the knowledge, the patience, and the faith. Her name
was Raya. She helped me better analyze my situation
and clarified all the doubts and misconceptions I used
to have about Islam.
Finally I took
the Shahadah on Saturday August 30, 2009. I
took the Shahadah only because I was convinced
about the existence of One God and that Muhammad, may
God praise him, was his last Messenger and Prophet.
But I said that I was going to start practicing when I
feel it's the right time. They agreed with me and at
that time I didn't have the intention to start a real
learning soon.
The following
Monday everything changed. My husband and I got into
a really bad situation which was my fault, and he
divorced me. I felt that my world was crushed in
pieces.
In my despair I
didn't know who else to ask for help other than Raya.
Since that day she has been giving me her support and
has taken me as a daughter in her home.
My mom used tell
me that humans never learn until bad things happen.
This is very true. All the problems with my husband
made me feel the need to search for help in Allah
(God) and ask him for forgiveness.
I am just in the
starting process but I have the real feeling that I
want to serve my Lord and be grateful to him. I
started to change my way of dressing and now I wear
hijab, and I feel I want to change all my life. I
want to prove to God, to the man I love and to myself,
that I am a new person now.
After the
divorce, thank God, my husband has given me a light of
hope that with God's help we could be back together
soon.
Now I need to
get strong in my religion and he needs time to forgive
me. In all ways, I hope that at the end of this year
God gives me the strength that I need to accept any
decision from Him.
It was a lesson
that has changed all my life for sure.
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