One of the main
distinguishing characteristics of the
true Muslim woman is her respectful and
kind treatment of her parents. Islam
encourages respect towards and kind
treatment of parents in many definitive
texts of the Qur'an and Sunnah; any
Muslim woman who reads these texts has
no choice but to adhere to their
teachings and treat her parents with
kindness and respect, no matter what the
circumstances or the state of the
relationship between daughter and
parents.
She recognizes
their status and knows
her duties towards
them
From her reading of
the Qur'an, the Muslim woman understands
the high status to which Allah (SWT) has
raised parents, and that it is a status
which mankind has never known except in
Islam, which has placed respect for
parents just one step below belief in
Allah (SWT) and true worship of Him.
Many ayat of the Qur'an describe
pleasing one's parents as coming second
only to pleasing Allah (SWT), and
confirm that treating parents well is
the best of good deeds after having
faith in Allah (SWT).
( Serve Allah, and
join not any partners with Him; and do
good, to parents . . .) (Qur'an
4:36)
So the Muslim woman who
truly understands the teachings of her
religion is kinder and more respectful
towards her parents than any other woman
in the world; this does not stop when
she leaves the home to marry and start
her own family, and has her own,
independent, busy life. Her respect and
kindness towards her parents are ongoing
and will remain an important part of her
behaviour until the end of her life, in
accordance with the Qur'anic teaching
which has enjoined kind treatment of
parents for life, especially when they
reach old age and become incapacitated
and are most in need of kind words and
good care:
( Your Lord has
decreed that you worship none but Him,
and that you be kind to parents.
Whether one of both of them attain old
age in your life, say not to them a
word of contempt, nor repel them, but
address them in terms of honour. And,
out of kindness, lower to them the
wing of humility, and say, `My Lord!
Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they
cherished me in childhood.') (Qur'an
17:23-24)
The Muslim woman whose
heart has been illuminated with the
light of Qur'anic guidance is always
receptive and responsive to this divine
instruction, which she reads in the ayat
that enjoin good treatment of parents.
So her kindness and respect towards them
will increase, and she will be even more
devoted to serving them. She will do her
utmost to please them, even if she has a
husband, house, children and other
responsibilities of her own:
( Serve Allah, and
join not any partners with Him; and do
good - to parents . . .) (Qur'an
4:36)
( We have
enjoined on man kindness to parents .
. .) (Qur'an 29:8)
( And We have
enjoined on man [to be good] to his
parents: in travail upon travail did
his mother bear him . . .) (Qur'an
31:14)
Anyone who looks into the
Islamic sources regarding the kind
treatment of parents will also find
plenty of Hadith that reinforce the
message of the ayat quoted above
and reiterate the virtue of kindness and
respect towards one's parents, as well
as warning against disobedience or
mistreatment of them for any reason
whatsoever.
`Abdullah ibn Mas`ud
said:
"I asked the
Prophet (PBUH), `Which deed is most
liked by Allah (SWT)?' He said,
`Prayer offered on time.' I asked him,
`Then what?' He said, `Kindness and
respect towards parents.' I asked him,
`Then what?' He said, `Jihad
for the sake of Allah (SWT).'"1
The Prophet (PBUH), this
great educator, placed kindness and
respect towards parents between two of
the greatest deeds in Islam: prayer
offered on time and jihad for the
sake of Allah (SWT). Prayer is the
pillar or foundation of the faith, and jihad
is the pinnacle of Islam. What a high
status the Prophet (PBUH) has given to
parents!
A man came to the
Prophet (PBUH) to "make bay`ah"
and to pledge to undertake hijrah
and jihad in the hope of
receiving reward from Allah (SWT). The
Prophet (PBUH) did not rush to accept
his bay`ah, but asked him,
"Are either of your parents
alive?" The man said, "Yes,
both of them." The Prophet (PBUH)
asked, "And do you wish to
receive reward from Allah (SWT)?"
The man replied, "Yes." So
the kind-hearted and compassionate
Prophet (PBUH) told him, "Go back
to your parents and keep them company
in the best possible way."2
According to a
report narrated by Bukhari and Muslim,
a man came and asked the Prophet (PBUH)
for permission to participate in jihad.
He asked him, "Are your parents
alive?" The man said,
"Yes," so the Prophet (PBUH)
told him, "So perform jihad
by taking care of them."3
In the midst of preparing
his army for jihad, the Prophet (PBUH)
did not forget the weakness of parents
and their claims on their children, so
he gently discouraged this volunteer and
reminded him to take care of his
parents, despite the fact that he needed
all the manpower he could get for the
forthcoming jihad. This is
because he understood the importance of
respect and kind treatment of parents,
and knew its position in the overall
Islamic framework that Allah (SWT) has
designed for the well being and
happiness of mankind.
When the mother of
Sa`d ibn Abi Waqqas objected to her
son's embracing Islam, she told him:
"Give up Islam, or I will go on
hunger strike until I die. Then you will
feel shame before the Arabs, as they
will say that he killed his
mother." Sa`d told her, "You
should know that, by Allah (SWT), even
if you had a hundred souls, and they
left your body one by one, I would never
give up Islam." Then Allah (SWT)
revealed an ayah which the
Prophet (PBUH) recited to the Muslims,
in which Sa`d was rebuked for the
harshness of his reply to his mother:
( But if they strive
to make you join in worship with Me
things of which you have no knowledge,
obey them not; yet bear them company
in this life with justice [and
consideration] . . .) (Qur'an
31:15)
The story of the devoted
worshipper Jurayj, which was told by the
Prophet (PBUH), is a vivid illustration
of the importance of respecting one's
parents and being quick to obey them.
One day his mother called him whilst he
was praying, and he wondered, "My
Lord, my mother or my prayer?" He
chose to continue his prayer (rather
than answering his mother). She called
him a second time, but he continued
praying and did not answer her. Then she
called him a third time, and when he did
not respond she prayed to Allah (SWT)
not to let him die until he had seen the
face of a prostitute. There was a
prostitute in that locality who had
committed adultery with a shepherd and
become pregnant. When she realised that
she was with child, the shepherd told
her: "If you are asked about the
father of the baby, say it is Jurayj,
the devoted worshipper." This is
what she said, so the people went and
destroyed the place where he used to
pray. The ruler brought him to the
public square, and on the way Jurayj
remembered his mother's prayer and
smiled. When he was brought forth to be
punished, he asked for permission to
pray two rak`ahs, then he asked
for the infant to be brought forth and
whispered in his ear, "Who is your
father?" The infant said, "My
father is so-and-so, the shepherd."4
The people exclaimed "La ilaha illa-Allah"
and "Allahu akbar!"
They told Jurayj, "We will rebuild
your prayer-place with silver and
gold!" He said, "No, just
rebuild it as it was, with bricks and
mortar." Concerning this story,
which is reported by al Bukhari, the
Prophet (PBUH) said: "If Jurayj had
sound knowledge, he would have known
that answering his mother was more
important than continuing his
prayer."5 Hence the fuqaha'
suggested that if one is praying a nafil
prayer and one of one's parents calls
one, one is obliged to stop one's prayer
and answer them.
The duty to treat
one's parents with kindness and respect
sunk into the consciousness of the
Muslims, so they hastened to treat their
parents well both during their lives and
after their deaths. There are many
reports and Hadith that indicate this,
for example the report thatdescribes how
a woman of Juhaynah came to the Prophet
(PBUH) and said: "My mother made a
vow (nadhr) to perform Hajj but
she did not perform Hajj before she
died. May I perform Hajj on her
behalf?" He said, "Yes, go and
perform Hajj on her behalf. If you knew
that your mother had a debt, would you
not pay it off for her? Pay off what is
due to Allah (SWT), for Allah (SWT) has
more right to be paid off."6
According to a report
given by Muslim, she asked, "She
owed a month's fasting, so may I fast
on her behalf?" The Prophet (PBUH)
said, "Fast on her behalf."
She said, "She never performed
Hajj, so may I perform Hajj on her
behalf?" He said, "Perform
Hajj on her behalf."7
She is kind and
respectful towards her parents
even if they are
not Muslim
The Prophet (PBUH)
raised his teachings to a new peak
when he enjoined his followers to
treat their parents with kindness and
respect even if they were adherents of
a religion other than Islam. This is
clear from the Hadith of Asma' bint
Abi Bakr al-Siddiq (PBUH), who said:
"My mother came to me, and she
was a mushrik at the time of
the Prophet (PBUH). I asked the
Prophet (PBUH), `My mother has come to
me and needs my help, so should I help
her?' He said, `yes, keep in touch
with your mother and help her.'"8
The true Muslim who
understands the meaning of this Qur'anic
guidance and the teachings of the
Prophet (PBUH) cannot but be the best
and kindest of all people towards his
parents, at all times. This is the
practice of the Sahabah and those
who followed them sincerely. A man asked
Sa`id ibn Musayyab (RAA): "I
understood all of the ayah about
kindness and respect towards parents,
apart from the phrase `but address them
in terms of honour.' How can I address
them in terms of honour?" Sa`id
replied: "It means that you should
address them as a servant addresses his
master." Ibn Sirin (RAA) used to
speak to his mother in a soft voice,
like that of a sick person, out of
respect for her.
She is extremely
reluctant to disobey them
Just as the Muslim
woman hastens to treat her parents with
kindness and respect, she is also afraid
to commit the sin of disobeying them,
because she realises the enormity of
this sin which is counted as one of the
major sins (al-kaba'ir). She is
aware of the frightening picture which
Islam paints of the one who disobeys her
parents, and this stirs her conscience
and softens any hardness of heart or
harsh feelings that she might be
harbouring.
Islam draws a
comparison between disobedience towards
one's parents and the crime of
associating partners with Allah (SWT),
just as it establishes a link between
true faith in Allah (SWT) and respectful
treatment of parents. Disobedience to
one's parents is a heinous crime, which
the true Muslim woman is loath to
commit, for it is the greatest of major
sins and the worst of errors.
Abu Bakrah Nufay` ibn
al-Harith said:
"The Messenger of
Allah (PBUH) asked us three times,
`Shall I tell you the greatest sins?'
We said, `Yes, O Messenger of Allah.'
He said, `Associating partners with
Allah (SWT) and disobeying one's
parents.'"9
Her mother comes
first, then her father
Islam has encouraged
respect and kindness towards parents.
Some texts deal with the mother and
father separately, but taken all
together, the texts enjoin a healthy
balance in children's attention to their
parents, so that respect to one parent
will not be at the expense of the other.
Some texts further confirm that the
mother should be given precedence over
the father.
So, as we have seen,
when a man came to give bay`ah
and pledge to take part in jihad,
the Prophet (PBUH) asked him, "Are
either of your parents alive?" This
indicates that the Muslim is obliged to
treat both parents equally well.
Similarly, Asma' was ordered to keep in
contact with her mushrik mother.
A man came to the
Prophet (PBUH) and asked him, "O
Messenger of Allah (SWT), who among
people is most deserving of my good
company?" He said, "Your
mother." The man asked,
"Then who?" The Prophet (PBUH)
said, "Your mother." The man
asked, "Then who?" The
Prophet (PBUH) said, "Your
mother." The man asked,
"Then who?" The Prophet (PBUH)
said, "Then your father."10
This Hadith confirms that
the Prophet (PBUH) gave precedence to
kind treatment of one's mother over kind
treatment of one's father, and the
Sahabah used to remind the Muslims of
this after the death of the Prophet (PBUH).
Ibn `Abbas, a great scholar and faqih
of this ummah, considered kind
treatment of one's mother to be the best
deed to bring one closer to Allah (SWT).
A man came to him and said, "I
asked for a woman's hand in marriage,
and she refuse me. Someone else asked
for her hand and she accepted and
married him. I felt jealous, so I killed
her. Will my repentance be
accepted?" Ibn `Abbas asked,
"Is your mother still alive?"
He said, "No." So he told him,
"Repent to Allah (SWT) and do your
best to draw close to Him."
`Ata' ibn Yassar, who
narrated this report from Ibn `Abbas,
said: "I went and asked Ibn Abbas,
`Why did you ask him if his mother was
still alive?' He said, `Because I know
of no other deed that brings people
closer to Allah (SWT) than kind
treatment and respect towards one's
mother.'"11
Imam Bukhari opens his
book al-Adab al-Mufrad with a
chapter on respect and kindness towards
parents (birr al-walidayn), in
which he places the section on good
treatment of the mother before that on
good treatment of the father, consistent
with the teachings of the Prophet (PBUH).
The Qur'an evokes
feelings of love and respect in the
heart of the child, and encourages him
or her to treat parents well. It refers
to the mother being given precedence
because of pregnancy and breast-feeding,
and the pains and trials that she
suffers during these two stages, in a
most gentle and compassionate way. It
recognizes her noble sacrifice and great
tenderness and care:
( And We have
enjoined on man [to be good] to his
parents: in travail upon travail did
his mother bear him, and in years
twain was his weaning: [hear the
command]: `Show gratitude to Me and to
your parents: to Me is [your final]
Goal.') (Qur'an 31:14)
What supreme teaching!
What humane, compassionate direction:
"Show gratitude to Me and to your
parents." Showing gratitude to
parents for what they have done for
their child comes second only to showing
gratitude to Allah (SWT), and is one of
the best righteous deeds. What a high
status this religion gives to parents!
Ibn `Umar saw a Yemeni
man circumambulating the Ka`bah,
carrying his mother. The man said to
him, "I am like a tame camel for
her: I have carried her more than she
carried me. Do you think I have paid
her back, O Ibn `Umar?" He
replied, "No, not even one
contraction!"12
Every time `Umar ibn
al-Khattab (RAA) saw the
reinforcements from Yemen, he asked
them, "Is Uways ibn `Amir among
you?" - until he found Uways. He
asked him, "Are you Uways ibn
`Amir?" Uways said,
"Yes." `Umar asked,
"Are you from the clan of Murad
in the tribe of Qaran?" Uways
said, "Yes." `Umar asked,
"Did you have leprosy, then you
were cured of it except for an area
the size of a dirham? Uways
said, "Yes." `Umar asked,
"Do you have a mother?"
Uways said, "Yes." `Umar
said: "I heard the Messenger of
Allah (PBUH) say: `There will come to
you with the reinforcements from Yemen
a man called Uways ibn `Amir of the
clan of Murad from the tribe of Qaran.
He had leprosy but has been cured of
it except for a spot the size of a dirham.
He has a mother, and he has always
treated her with kindness and respect.
If he prays to Allah (SWT), Allah
(SWT) will fulfil his wish. If you can
ask him to pray for forgiveness for
you, then do so.' So ask Allah (SWT)
to forgive me." Uways asked Allah
(SWT) to forgive him, then `Umar asked
him, "Where are you going?"
Uways said, "To Kufah."
`Umar said, "Shall I write a
letter of recommendation for you to
the governor there?" Uways said,
"I prefer to be anonymous among
the people."13
What a high status Uways
reached by virtue of his kindness and
respect towards his mother, so that the
Prophet (PBUH) recommended his Sahabah
to seek him out and ask him to prafor
them!
All of this indicates
the high status to which Islam has
raised the position of motherhood, and
given the mother precedence over the
father. At the same time, Islam has
given importance to both parents, and
has enjoined kindness and respect to
both.
A woman may enjoy a
life of ease and luxury in her husband's
home, and may be kept so busy with her
husband and growing children that she
has little time to spare for her
parents, and neglects to check on them
and treat them well.
But the true Muslim
woman is safe from such errors, as she
reads the recommendations of the Qur'an
and Sunnah concerning parents. So she
pays attention to them, constantly
checking on them and hastening to treat
them well, as much as her energy, time
and circumstances permit, and as much as
she can.
She treats them
kindly
The Muslim woman who
has embraced the values of Islam is kind
and respectful towards her parents,
treating them well and choosing the best
ways to speak to them and deal with
them. She speaks to them with all
politeness and respect, and surrounds
them with all honour and care, lowering
to them the wing of humility, as
commanded by Allah (SWT) in the Qur'an.
She never utters a word of contempt or
complaint to them, no matter what the
circumstances, always heeding the words
of Allah (SWT):
( Your Lord has
decreed that you worship none but Him,
and that you be kind to parents.
Whether one of both of them attain old
age in your life, say not to them a
word of contempt, nor repel them, but
address them in terms of honour. And,
out of kindness, lower to them the
wing of humility, and say: `My Lord!
Bestow on them Your mercy even as they
cherished me in childhood.') (Qur'an
17:23-24)
If one or both parents
are deviating from true Islam in some
way, the dutiful Muslim daughter should,
in this case, approach them in a gentle
and sensitive manner, so as to dissuade
them from their error. She should not
condemn them harshly, but should try to
convince them with solid proof, sound
logic, wise words and patience, until
they turn to the truth in which she
believes.
The Muslim woman is
required to treat her parents well, even
if they are mushrikin. She does
not forget that she is obliged to treat
them well in spite of their shirk.
Although she knows that shirk is
the worst of major sins, this does not
prevent her from treating her parents
well according to the uniquely tolerant shari`ah
of Islam:
( And We have
enjoined on man [to be good] to his
parents: in travail upon travail did
his mother bear him, and in years
twain was his weaning: [hear the
command], `Show gratitude to Me and to
your parents: to Me is [your final]
Goal.' But if they strive to make you
join in worship with Me things of
which you have no knowledge, obey them
not; yet bear them company in this
life with justice [and consideration],
and follow the way of those who turn
to Me [in love]: in the End the return
of you all is to Me, and I will tell
you the truth [and meaning] of all
that you did.) (Qur'an 31:14-15)
Kindness and respect
towards parents is an important matter
in Islam, because it springs from the
strongest of human ties, the bond of a
child to his or her mother and father.
But this bond, great as it is, must come
second to the bonds of faith. If the
parents are mushrikin, and order
their son or daughter to join them in
their shirk, then the child must
not obey them. There is no obedience to
a created being in disobeying the
Creator; no other bond may supersede
that of faith and belief in Allah (SWT).
However, children are still obliged to
honour and take care of their parents.
The Muslim woman is
kind and respectful towards her parents
in all circumstances, and she spares no
effort to make them happy, as much as
she can and within the limits of Islam.
So she checks on them from time to time,
offers her services, visits them often
and greets them with a cheerful smile, a
loving heart, delightful gifts and words
of kindness.
This is how she cares
for them during their lives. After their
death, she shows her love and respect by
praying for them, giving charity on
their behalf, and paying off whatever
debts they may owe to Allah (SWT) or to
other people.
Treating parents with
kindness and respect is one of the
essential attitudes of Muslim men and
women. This noble attitude should be
ongoing and should continue, no matter
how complicated life becomes, no matter
how high the cost of living rises, and
no matter how many burdens or
responsibilities a person has.
This attitude is an
indication of the rich emotions that
still exist in Muslim lands, al-hamdu-lillah,
and it is proof of the gratitude which
Muslim men and women feel towards the
older generation which has made so many
sacrifices for them when they themselves
were most in need of kind words,
consolation and a helping hand.
This attitude will
protect a person, man or woman, from
hard-heartedness and ingratitude. What
is more, it will open to them the gates
of Paradise.
Footnotes:
(Bukhari and
Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 2/176,
Kitab al-salat, bab fadl al-salawat
al-khams.
(Bukhari and
Muslim), See Riyad al-Salihin, 191,
bab birr al-walidayn.
See Riyad
al-salihin, 191, bab birr
al-walidayn
This child is one
of the three who spoke in the
cradle. The other two are 'Isa ibn
Maryam (Jesus the son of Mary) and
the child who was with his mother
among the people of al-Ukhdud (the
ditch). [Author]
See Fath al-Bari,
3/78, Kitab al-'aml fi'l-salah, bab
idha da'at al-umm waladaha
fi'l-salat, and 5/136, Kitab
al-mazalim, bab idha hadama ha'itan
falyabni ghayrahu.
See Fath al-Bari,
4/64, Kitab juz' al-sayd, bab
al-hajj wa'l-nudhur.
Sahih Muslim, 8/25,
Kitab al-siyam, bab qada' al-sawm
'an al-mayit.
(Bukhari and
Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/13,
Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah, bab silat
al-walid al-mushrik.
(Bukhari and
Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/15,
Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah, bab tahrim
al-'uquq.
(Bukhari and
Muslim), See Sharh al-Sunnah, 13/4,
Kitab al-birr wa'l-silah, bab birr
al-walidayn.
Reported by Bukhari
in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 1/45, bab birr
al-umm.
Reported by Bukhari
in al-Adab al-Mufrad, 1/62, bab
jaza' al-walidayn.
See Sahih Muslim,
16/95, Kitab fada'il al-sahabah, bab
min fada'l Uways al-Qarani.
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